Hiatus

Firstly we apologize for the hiatus Chronicles has taken over the last few months. We simply have lost interest in this blog, despite our rising fame.

We often receive mail from desperate readers asking, “Micalex how do you keep such a zest for life and carefree lifestyle?” and we simply reply… “Please bore someone else with your questions”. But the truth of the matter is there is not one answer for your questions”. But we can give you some advice to keep your self feeling alive and young at the withering age of 21 and beyond. Its necessary always try new things, and no we don’t mean hallucinogens in particular. But step outside of your comfort zone. Don’t be wary of going outside your social circle—strangers and newcomers may surprise you. For example the homeless man sleeping in the dumpster outside of Arbie’s may have some insightful sentiments about sleeping in the dumpster outside of Arbie’s. Equally important don’t be afraid to express yourself through the art of free dance. If a movement hits you, just go with it and see where it takes you. Steer clear from anger, a good way to do this is by always carrying a lighter (for burning things that upset you). Also always have at hand--lip gloss (not lipstick which is made of whales), and always make sure to have some sort perfume (lets face it with all the free dance going on you will smell). And that brings us to another point; make sure you have a grooming routine that will keep you feeling confident, whether it be spritzing your body with Febreeze before a big night out or eating a sprig of parsley for fresh breath. Anyways you get the gist of it… And we’d rather talk about more important things, like our last night adventures.

How to find your true colors

Going to a new school everyone wants to fit in and be known for their individual "awesomeness". The truth is some people just don't have it. They simply are not awesome...so the best thing for these people to do is find an awesome person and emmulate their every move. Note: do not stalk this person, simply become their friend, their numero uno companion. Eventually, their awesomeness will rub off on you, and you will fulfill your awesome potential (i.e. Chris L.).

It is possible to gain awesomeness, it just takes time. There are three types of people, 1. People who are awesome, 2. People who are not awesome and 3. People who think they are awesome, but are not awesome. You must figure out which of these three types you are. People who think they are awesome, but are not awesome, will never become awesome because they are in denial of their unawesomeness.

One may ask, "How do I become awesome?" Here are five easy steps:
1. If you have to try, you have already failed (awesomeness is a state of being)
2. If you are unattractive try to be funny, but dont try just be

In writing this, we have gone crazy and lost track of all of our thoughts (Awesome people do this often). Probably the truth is you should try to be yourself, but not too much. A new revelation has come upon us and we must notify the world wide web...If you're trying to be awesome it may not happen but there are some alternatives to become known in your social circle: Becoming ridiculously overweight, being the guy that "doesn't give a f*ck"--never showering and being generally aloof at all times, become the token drunkard- be hammered at all times ( during school, church, parties, family reunions, work, funerals, blood drives, volunteer work at children's hospital, AA meetings...), be shadily mysterious (never reveal your last name or show your entire face at any time, have a weapon concealed on your body at all times), grow ridiculous facial hair, be the 'angry guy', start fights at the drop of a hat with anyone anywhere, including animals that are "looking at you funny", become 'crazy dancing girl'... So there ya go, your ticket in.

"Shade-ar" - How to Spot a Tool

Here is post from a contributing writer, Lane Gempel. Lane is a veteran creeper escapee and has compiled this list based off years of experience of evading creepers:




As I read Micah and Alex's brilliant post about how to escape creepers, I realized the crisis that today's attractive woman faces. They call it being "hit on" for a reason: when you're a hottie, a night out on the town can practically feel like an assault. You will be constantly and incessantly approached by guys and you may meet one who seems like a cool, nice guy but who is actually a giant tool. So it is very important for you to learn how to quickly make a snap judgement on a guy based on their appearance. So take a look around the bar and size things up. Here is a list of things that should raise red flags if seen:
-highlighted hair
-traces of lipstick on his mouth (either another woman's or his own)
-wearing a black wifebeater
-weirdly long fingernails
-shadily sniffing the girl next to him
-wearing a wedding ring
-tribal artwork tattooed around his bicep
-faint goggle tan-lines around his eyes
-wearing Ed Hardy
-staring at you/other attractive women and licking his lips
-surrounded by empty beer bottles or shot glasses with a sort of glazed look upon his face
-package of condoms peeking out his back pocket
-donut peeking out his back pocket
-gold/crystal-encrusted teeth
-thong being revealed as he leans over
-remnants of white powder surrounding his nostril area
-repeated and persistant scratching of his groin
-purple arms (circulation being cut off as result of too-tight polo shirt sleeves)
-perfectly manicured eyebrows
-small tear escaping his eye after failed attempt at picking up a woman
-eyes lighting up and rushing to the dance floor when the newest Britney Spears song comes on
-lighting match after match and staring at the flame
-food crumbs in his beard
-discreetly speaking into a small tape recorder throughout the evening
-and more!
Say alert...Trust your instincts...Be proactive!
Learn how to avoid creepers and you'll never have to escape them.

Yours Truly,
Laney

How to escape creepers

This past weekend we once again were faced with a lingering creeper at a bar. "What to do?" we thought to ourselves. We had already let this creeper buy us a drink, so it would be rude to leave..Because of this dilemma we have tested and proven some interesting ways to escape creepers. Here is our list of compiled schemes for evading creepers after two or three minutes of conversation and the free beverage:

1. Have your friend call you from under the table, (important to leave your phone on the table so he sees it ring), answer the phone, then look distressed or worried, and say things like "waaait slow down, I can't hear you. Are you okay? Good thing you had pepper spray." etc. Then ask to be excused and never return.
2. Say you need to smoke a cigarette, if you can smoke inside of the establishment, note your strong opposition to submitting others to your second hand smoke, "why should they suffer for my bad habit?"
3. If he asks if you want another drink, simply reply "No I can only have one, doctor says not to drink so much with a baby on the way." Problem solved. Expect shocked glares.
4. Gasp! " Oh No its (insert man name here)" you have seen your ex! and must evacuate the area.
5. Fake an allergic reaction, illness, or over intoxication.
6. Admit your "real age" which is only 17.

7. And lastly ask the creeper "So have you ever had homosexual tendencies before?" and he will reply "No, Why?" then you say "Oh because I was once a man."

If you have more suggestions, share with us!!

Day 1

Today, I pondered over the wonder that is friendship. When you set out for college you always wonder if you will ever find a person that will be your true spirit guide...I have in fact found that person.

Day 1: We meet, both attractive, bright eyed, new students of the university... We immediately bonded over our amazing good looks and razor sharp wit. We had many things in common namely our love for booze and boys, and the occasional wild adventure. Herding us into an over crowded room the people of UD expected us to take pleasure in that which they called, "Casino Night". It was supposed to be an opportunity to meet our fellow classmates, but we could not be tempted by their wizard wear and long skirts. Thus, we dared to cross the forbidden street of Northgate and enter the darkside, from which we would never return. The evening ensued with drink and dancing. We met new friends, one of whom would later try to sabotage our unbreakable bond. For the purpose of protecting the guilty, we have changed the names of certain characters in our life story. After the night had come to a close (all the keystones were gone) we drifted back to the luxury that is Jerome Hall. However, as we proceeded to our homeland we were ambushed by hidden randoms with waterballoons. Who would have known that incident would of brought us together in the ultimate revenge plot. To be continued...